Enigmatic Eccentricities Ever Embody Ego

Ego.

The big E.

The douche bag maker.

The bit that makes you gods gift to the world…

The thing that makes successful aresholes, arseholes.

Hot bitches, bitches.

But ego isn’t all about strutting around.

It’s also what keeps us down.

Losers, losers.

Victims, victims.

Or should I say, keeps them those things?

Yeah, I like that better. Makes more sense.

Ego can be described in several ways. The simplest way: your nemesis, your only friend. It’s the part that filters nearly everything your consciousness has in the way of thoughts. Pretty much what you do most of your thinking with. Those thoughts are propositioned by your ego, checked and crossed referenced with your subconscious, then double red stamped by your ego on the way out of your brain before exiting your mouth, hands or genitals.

Sorry, I know I’m only a little bit in and I’ve brought the tone down already… Its what my ego wants me to do, okay!!!

Your ego is, for the most part, how you self-identify. Its what we use to figure out how we fit in the world and what we think and feel about that. Sometimes based on innate things within us, sometimes based on life experiences. Things that fill up your conscious and subconscious mind with how things should be and are supposed to be. But we all know the value of that bloody “should” word…

Its full of “I am” statements. Which can be extremely powerful, but also a slippery and dangerous slope depending on where said “I am”’s come from. Is it your ego, or your acknowledgement of self-awareness saying “I am”?

Yep, started with the questions already Olga. I’d hoped you were used to it by now…

Would it be fair to say that most people want to think well of themselves? No one really wants to think of themselves as someone that’s less that worthy of the bare minimum of civility, let alone slavish adoration. So, if someone did think less of us, what would happen to how we feel about ourselves? Probably take a bit of a nose-dive right? But who wants to feel shitty because Barry from the lunch bar said he wouldn’t do you even if he was gay?

That’s right, Jeremy, no one. Because Barry is gross.

So, how do we protect our feelings, our sense of self and worthiness? Enter our previously referenced “only friend”, ego!!!

You ever seen one of those dude bros at the nighty hit on a hottie, get rejected, then say “your ugly anyway!” or the equally offensive “ugh, ANOTHER lesbian. They’re everywhere tonight…” Well, that's his ego trying to protect his sense of self from maybe having to admit that said hottie wasn’t quite drunk enough to think he’s not that level of dude bro douche bag and then make it about her, not him.

And that’s just one example. We all do it. All day, every day. Forever.

I mean, you do actually need it. The example I just gave was one that’s pretty obvious and exaggerated, BUT it does serve to show how far our ego will go to twist reality to serve and preserve our sense of who we think we are. Our ego is there to protect us, get us through things that we found tough, that challenged us on who we are and let us in turn make up whatever story we needed to around what happened to let us feel fine about ourselves and who our sense of self-preservation wants us to think we are.

Notice I keep saying think. Its because our ego is invested in a picture of ourselves that we have come to accept as how things are. Nightie douche’s picture of himself is one of epic grandeur and awesomeness, so his ego twists reality to maintain that picture. He thinks he’s amazing, so it must be everyone else who’s wrong. Think about a certain orange-y leader of the free world for another example of that… Tell me I’m wrong.

But while the ego works to reinforce the delusions of grandeur, it also maintains the illusions of self-defeating behaviours.

If the picture in your head of yourself is of someone who sucks, your ego (with no small help from the lumbering juggernaut that is your subconscious) will reinforce that self-image with thoughts and behaviours to match that. Again, ego is invested in protecting who you think you are, and twists thoughts and reality and feelings to suit that picture. Fun, huh?

It almost feels as if the ego is a parasite in your own mind. It’s this self-serving little jerk that helps you to not feel shit, keep you sane, and reinforces that sense of safe and right we all crave. Which we need of course. But also keeps us from ever waking up to those things. Fingers crossed this analogy makes sense, but our ego is like the matrix. Plugged into and invested in what we think is normal, right up until there’s a glitch, then gets all defensive to try and smooth that blip over.

So, we go back to the start. My nemesis, my only friend.

It protects you, but holds you there.

Gives you something about yourself to hold on to and feel certain about, but would let you or anything else mess with that certainty.

If it had its way, it would gaslight you until the only reason you had other people around was to stroke it, make you feel awesome or shitty, depending on which version you’re used to under the circumstances.

I’m pretty sure you can see how it’s your nemesis now. Especially given the usual theme of what I write about.

Speaking of which, ego is how confirmation bias is a thing. How the shadow becomes a thing. Why dark night of the soul and shadow work is necessary. How “should” gets a grip on us.

Ego has the potential to drive all of our personal growth, reforge ourselves and our psyche into something beyond what we currently are. But there’s always a but, isn’t there?...

If you aren’t self-aware enough of that thought, those feelings, this behaviour, of the twisting of reality and our sense of self within us, from moment to moment, it keeps us stuck. It becomes so entrenched in that picture of ourselves in our head that if absolutely refuses to look at anything we are capable of beyond that. Which is where confirmation bias comes into it. Your ego doubles down on itself, goes looking for reasons to feel safe and right, regardless of the truth of the matter.

Its what pushes down any evidence we may have that we aren’t quite who we think we are (for better or worse) into our shadow, for some lovely and pleasant moment for that to come back up and overwhelm us when there's no one around to see it and force our ego to twist reality even further. THAT’S why no one wants to admit they’re struggling. One of the reasons, anyway. If that idea of being “less than perfect” isn’t already a large part of how our ego identifies us, then we will shun that shit until we bleed for it. Ask a typical mother or working husband, hell just an average human, to take a moment and be genuinely vulnerable and honest about what their ego tries to convince them they NEED to be in order to not have anyone see them as a failure, let-fucking-alone themselves. Watch the mask and everything beneath it crumble…

Who you think you are is not the same as who you actually are. And mostly, that’s fine, because the differences aren’t huge enough to make our ego work hard to cover those discrepancies up.

But without a certain amount of self-awareness about where the reality of ourselves sits compared to the picture we have of ourselves in our head, shit builds up. And projection happens. And avoidance, deflection, and all that fun stuff, happens. And that’s just in our own heads. Let alone everywhere else…

Yeah, sorry if I got a bit grim there, guys. Frankly though, some of you had it coming. I did. So did she. And so did he. And Barry? He definitely had it coming…

Who you think you are needs tempering with a bit of self-awareness about who you actually are. Without it, the things we do to preserve our sense of self can get a little out of control and turn in to all sorts of other destructive things that don’t have much long-term value for you.

Those things that hurt your ego are the signposts that show you what you need to challenge and heal, so your ego doesn’t have to cover them up anymore.

Be honest.

If you can’t be honest with yourself, about yourself, you can’t ever BE yourself.

That feels like a shame to me…

Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.

“Your ego is your souls worst enemy” Rusty Eric