Good afternoon all and sundry.
I’m feeling mean today. Not necessarily towards you specifically. Maybe more aimed towards behaviours that end up proving that we are dumber than we thought. But I can explain that better. As I do.
The short version: Stop doing dumb validation shit!
If you want, and you get it, you can stop reading now.
Cool? Right, on with the long version.
We all want to be validated somehow. You know, to affirm that we are worth a damn, on some level, in some way. And sometimes we just don’t care where that validation comes from.
It’s usually best coming from ourselves, but if we aren’t particularly practiced at that, then it’s kind of a drop in the ocean. When we don’t trust our own opinion of a situation, of ourselves, of what we actually think (no, the cliches aren’t coming out just yet…), then its hard to tell ourselves that we did good for ourselves by doing this or that. Which is where other people come in.
How many of us have done INCREDIBLY stupid things, horrific things, embarrassing things, cringey things, haunt you for the rest of your waking life things… just so that someone might like us better?
Did you drink more than you thought you should?
Did you jump off something high and not stick the landing?
Did you pay for something you most definitely did NOT like, just because it was a thing everyone else said they liked?
Did you put someone’s genitals in your mouth or person, that maybe, just maybe, you thought would be more fun/fulfilling/worthwhile/long term goals orientated than it actually turned out to be?
No, Greg, we didn’t mean your genitalia wasn’t “long term”… Jeez, defensive much?
Anyway.
How many of those things, in retrospect, where a bit dumb? Likely, very informative, but still a bit dumb…
Would you be open to the idea that perhaps they were probably a bit dumb BEFORE you did them, but eagle eye hindsight is undefeated when it comes to making ourselves feel bad afterwards?
I mean, there a things that the outcomes is fairly predictable about, just the same as there’s things that could turn out a multitude of different ways. Sometimes its easy to tell which is which, sometimes, less so. And that’s how we live and learn right? Obviously, it sometimes depends on how high the thing we jumped off really is…
Okay, so sometimes we need to find out the hard way. And that’s fine, because if you genuinely don’t know, and its hard to predict the outcome, then rolling the dice is necessary and important.
BUT! What about those times when we are a little less in the dark about things?
When jumping off that 3rd story roof is the option presented to you, and you are quietly confident you know exactly what will happen.
Or paying a 5 figure sum for a bag that says a popular Italian/French word on it, but you owe like 2 months rent already.
What about those times? Why do we still do it then?
Dumb validation shit.
There, now the rest of you can go home.
When we are struggling to convince ourselves that we are worth time, effort and energy from anyone else (let alone ourselves) we get a bit… desperate. Thinking goes out the window a bit, as long as we feel better.
How do we do that?
By having someone else like us.
How do we do that?
By doing what we THINK they want us to do.
How do we do that?
Well, honestly, in those kinds of circumstances?... By lowering ourselves to a level that is so far below them that we are convinced they’ll feel superior enough to take pity on us and letting us be associated with them.
Blegh, right? That’s kind of a harsh way of framing it, admittedly. But its what we do. Even when we do things that are supposed to elevate our status (like buying that car/yaught/bag/dress/lip filler/NFT/whatever) we are often doing detrimental things to ourselves and our own lives in order to do that.
Can you afford that thing and not have to struggle to eat in the background where no one can see the real life you play out?
How is your health being affected by those behaviours and procedures that may or may not mean that the hot person you walk past even slightly notices you?
If we keep doing things for the validation of others, to the exclusion of our own, where do we think that leads?
That’s remarkably self-aware of you Greg, good for you. Yes, it does lead to going further and further down that path until you become so reactive to any perceived threats that you aren’t worth anything to other people that we literally can’t see any other way to live.
We over correct.
We get defensive.
We start seeing slights about our “long term”ed-ness when its really not the point…
Building our ego around other people’s bullshit rarely has an ending that isn’t, at best, a valuable lesson about what we probably don’t want to do.
The tricky bit? Do we learn that lesson the first time?
Or, do we keep doing dumb validation shit?...
I haven’t met you, but I KNOW you are better than that.
You know why doing certain things is dumb.
But do you know why you do it anyway?
Asking the question “Why did I do that?” is a very important thing to do when it comes to learning from mistakes. Well, as long as its not used as an excuse to shame and guilt yourself into doing other dumb shit for validation to take away the not good feeling rolling through you.
Genuinely looking for answers when things make you feel bad is where it at. That’s growth 101 right there.
Unthinkingly reacting to the outcomes of reactions based on other old reactions that we can’t even remember why it’s a thing any more is a great way to stay stuck and not having much fun in your life.
Is that who you are?
Is that what you want?
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“Nobody applauds nature, yet she still glows.” Michael Bassey Johnson