Afternoon guys.
This one time, I opened a blog and it wasn’t awkward… I can’t remember which one. But I’m sure it’s happened at least once, right?
Anyway. That’s apparently how we are opening today… Ugh…
Connection.
What exactly is it? When it comes to people and our relationships anyway.
This is, in all honesty, a bit of a can of worms.
Mostly because its so subjective to you and who you are connecting with.
So maybe rather than dictionary definition (because THAT’S super connective, right?
Textbook, clinical definitions of feelings…) we ask some questions about what it might feel like for each of us individually.
So, we start simply. Sort of.
Why do you give a shit about your family? (if I’m assuming you do just there, sorry in advance.)
Is it because you HAVE to, because what kind of monster would you be if you didn’t?
Or maybe because that pesky oxytocin neurotransmitter made you?
Or because there was a shared and common experience that allowed us to trust and relate to those people around us for the majority of our lives?
What does whichever version makes sense to you say about who these people are to you, and why they might actually matter?
Okay, so there’s that.
“But they’re family, you text based goose!” you rightly decry. “Familiarity and family are basically the same word! Duh!”
Thanks for that Bert. Yes, the more time spent with someone does create bonds based on familiarity and comfortability. That’s why the workplace is where we make a lot of friends in our adult life. But the question really comes down to acknowledging that, but still asking the deeper question “Yeah, but why THESE particular douche bags I’m sat with?...”
Okay. Family is usually the people you spend the most times with. Let’s move on from them for the time being and focus on the more chosen people we spend time with.
Why are you friends with the people you’re friends with? And genuinely ask that question.
What is it about this person I’ve just texted for the 17th time today about the hot girl in accounts that makes me want to share the awkward exchange you just had with her about A4 paper and how the colour of it seems to change on days that are more overcast (because, yeah, you’re THAT fucking awkward bud…) and the profound embarrassment you felt when you walked away from it and now need to avoid her until you’ve seen a plastic surgeon to change you face enough that you can have another chat with her without being worried she’ll remember the utter rubbish coming out of your mouth that day…
Is it because they text back when no one else wants to listen to said rubbish?
Is it because they know you well enough now that they can talk you off the ledge of coin flipping on plastic surgery or leaving the country asap?
Is it because they told you a story about what happened to them last year with the hot person handing them their morning coffee and the comment they made to this hot person about how the coffee was so good, they’d drink it even if the hot person had actually spat in it?
What if it’s all 3?
For whatever reason, the people we connect with are people we have connect with over something.
Similar interests. Similar experiences. Similar opinions. Similar energy. Similar vibe. Any and all of the above.
Why is your partner who they are to you?
Why do you love them? (I’ll assume you do, not need to make this more awkward if it’s… complicated)
Was it how good they look in those new shoes? Maybe, but unlikely specifically that.
Was it how they smiled at you when you first saw them in the dog food aisle? More likely.
Was it how that made you think they were worth talking to, asking about their dog? Much more likely.
Was it how both of you seemed to be able to have such a simple and free conversation about something you both loved so much? Starting to get up there in likelihood, right.
Was it how you felt more like yourself in that conversation, more understood and more understanding in that meeting too? Now we’re getting somewhere.
Was it how nearly every conversation and interaction afterwards made you feel more like you wanted to from then on?
Sounds like connection to me.
The reason we connect is because we share something bigger than just what we experience by ourselves in the moment.
The reason why we connect is because that makes us feel pretty awesome.
Why do we have the people in our lives that we do?
Because, hopefully, they add a depth to our lives that we can only really find when we share ourselves with someone else. And they share with you.
It almost doesn’t matter what it is. A moment, experience, interest, embarrassment, heartache, joy, same dress while at the works drinks Christmas do thing. As long as its something that leads us to believe that the person on the other side actually gets us on some level on who we are and how things are for us.
Admittedly, sometimes those bonds are Not Good™. Like co-dependency. Or trauma bonding. Or wound buddies. But good or not, we seek it out. Not always intentionally either.
We are built for connection because we are being built for experience and social interaction and cooperation. We are generally pretty good at it.
And if you feel like you aren’t, I’d argue it’s because you haven’t met that person that can relate to you yet. Yet.
Connection is… understanding. Of what? Well, that’s up to you and them. Whatever it is over, it is valuable. To your health, mental and physical. To your community. To your shared interests. To the fabric of society and the tone and behaviours and culture that permeates it.
Who are you? That answer will show you who you might connect well with.
What do you want? Same thing. And may even be an easier to find connection.
Whatever you call it, how ever you do it, whatever it’s over: it matters.
I hope yours is valuable to you.
Be kind, be smart, be your best you. No bar fights.
“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” Albert Schweitzer